The only words I can find

For the last month I, as many people in this world, have been struggling to understand the death of one of our heroes, Michael Jackson. I know that in the last few years I have kept it under my hat that he is one of my biggest inspirations. I thought that if his music or he, as an artist had fallen out of popularity that I would be judged for still admiring him and loving his music. I no longer feel afraid of that judgement. Whether you were born in 1926 or 1975 you knew who Michael Jackson was. You had seen the music videos and heard the music. You knew that he didn't grant interviews as much as you would have liked and that you were always wanting to see and hear more when you did get to see him in an interview. He was very closely scrutinized for his appearance and often criticized for his actions. He took that criticism and let it roll of his chest, knowing that he knew the real truth, whether the world believed him or not. He continued to push through the controversy and make music that touched the deepest emotions and could also make you dance. Even though I am a classical musician by trade, my heart has always been in pop and R&B. The majority of that is due to Michael Jackson. I didn't really know the possibilities until I saw him perform. Like many of us who admire and strive to be like our heroes, I wish I could have met him just once to let him know how thankful I am for his talent and the influence he had on me, and still has today. His death reminded me of what we will be missing; of how wonderful it was to witness his rise to fame and see the growth of his work. It goes without saying that he will be missed; that generations will never know the work ethic and creative genius behind those moves, that voice and those videos. I may not understand death but I do know that God always has a reason. Only God could give someone that much talent and the grace to withstand so many years of adulation and critique. I thank God that He brought Michael Jackson into my life through music and I thank Michael Jackson for using the talent he was given to give back. These are the only words I can find. God Bless, HB

I am always inspired

I am always inspired by those around me. I know that when people first meet me they may see me as stand-offish or even a bit cold, but what I am really doing is learning and listening. I have always been a shy person until I get to know someone well enough to really be myself. Sometimes I feel this holds me back in my professional life, but I eventually break through. What I am most inspired by is the way people interact, the way they speak to one another and the way they create....be it a meal, music, movies, photographs, finger painting with their kids or just holding a conversation. I find as I have gotten older that conversation often turns to politics and the "now" of the world or it is about the past and what you were doing back when you were younger. I have a hard time keeping up with all of the "now" of this world, especially in the world of politics. I often get sad when I think back on the past because those are times I hold so dear to me that I would love to go back a relive them...not to change anything, but just to experience those things again. What I am most inspired by are those who live their life by giving to others whether it be music, ministry, poetry, movies, being a wife or husband, being a parent or taking care of a parent. Relationships are the most important and without those relationships we wither away. I find that I can accomplish everything I want to both personally and professionally but still have an emptiness because I have not continued to cultivate relationships. It's almost as if you become a dusty book that no one reads anymore. It is important to dust yourself off and continue cultivating those relationships. Inspiration is never far behind! God Bless, HB

What happens now

Have you ever found yourself out of school and working, but not necessarily in the field of the degree you studied? What happens to all those people who study hard in college, earn a degree and then can't find a job in their field. Or maybe they do find a job opening in their field, but they didn't stand out enough in the interview and therefore did not get the job.

I have worked my whole adult life toward a job teaching music at the collegiate level. I have always wanted to be one of the top performers and teachers in my field. I know that by most standards I am still young and this opportunity will, most likely, come. It will not be easy, but it will be rewarding.

I've often thought about what would have been had I chosen another field of study. I would probably own a house and have children, but would I be completely happy? Is being happy really what it is all about? I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that the longer I sit here in a library processing materials and spending more time away from practicing, the more I lose a piece of myself. When I chose music as my field I never thought about money or bills because I knew that God was calling me to music. I knew and trusted that He would provide because I was doing what He wanted me to do. I just never thought that I would still be paying my dues before "my big break". I must confess that sometimes I begin to doubt whether I am talented enough or driven enough to achieve this dream or purpose. I know that the Lord has provided for me thus far and He is not about to drop me, but I also know that somewhere out there are 1000 young students with the same dreams and aspirations I had when I was their age and the only difference between us is our age.

Sometime it is tough to accept reality. I'm not giving in by any means, but I must find the strength to keep pushing myself to the limit and strive for excellence in all that I do in my practicing and teaching. It gets exhausting and I know that everyone feels this way sooner or later. I guess somewhere I just lost sight of what God really wants for me. I will continue to do my 9-5 job with a happy heart, and work hard to earn the job that I know I am really meant to do.

God Bless

HB

Much needed prayer

I was going to write about myself and what is going on in my own life, but given the many tragedies this nation and other nations have endured in the last few days I cannot justify just sitting here writing about myself. We are a world in need of prayer. I don't know anything more than what I have heard in the news and read online, but I do know that in the midst of this terror and heartbreak there stands a loving and just God who is waiting for us to take His hand. I pray for the salvation of those who have done or will commit a crime like the many we have heard about lately. It is beyond our comprehension as humans to understand how someone can be so hurt or down that they feel a need to take someone else's life. My prayer goes out to these people that God has mercy on them and can bring a sense of peace to them and their families. What this has taught me is that when we feel the least connection to anything right or peaceful or loving...God is right there. He will always be there for us and He WANTS us to go to him in these difficult times and in the easy times. Trust in the Lord and you will never go wrong. Please be in prayer for your loved ones and friends that anyone who is unsaved or even saved but struggling. Please pray for them and know that someone is also praying for you. God Bless, HB

Progress

One week has passed since I last posted about me trying valiantly to get healthy. Progress is being made slowly. I went to the gym 3 times last week and I will go again 3 times this week. I hold out hope that as the semester progresses I will succeed in my goal. Speaking of Goals, remember back when you were a child and you were asked to right down what you wanted to be when you grew up. I think I probably wrote about wanting to be a teacher, which is exactly what I am doing. I remember thinking longingly about the future and what it would be like to buy my first house and settle down in a good neighborhood where I could cultivate new friends. Sometimes it's painful to remember those simpler times. In the current financial state of our nation I'm sure I'm not the only one going through rough times. It is easy to get down and be overwhelmed by the worry. It can really be defeating, but then I remember that God has it all in His hands. He knows exactly how much money we need to pay bills and live every month and He protects us from ourselves. So never give up hope that you can accomplish the goal you set out for yourself. More important is to remember that we are instruments of God and it is His plan and His goal for our lives that we must live up to. God Bless, HB

New Year and New Wishes

So another year has begun and a new start is in front of us. I have started this new year with one resolution to myself....to take care of my body and in doing so, I will lose a little of the pounds I put on in the last few months. I know that everyone seems to make the same promise to themselves and I certainly have in the past. This time I feel differently about it. I don't care about the number on the scale or what size pants I fit into. What I care about most is that I feel healthy and alive and awake in my own life. I have felt that feeling of being awake slowly slip away in the last few years. It's just something that has happened slowly, especially since we moved here. It began as just a nice weekend thing; wake up and make coffee and watch TV all day. I love television and I think it can be a nice way to just relax and turn your brain off, but when you are doing it for hours everyday there is a part of you that forgets how to relate to the people in your life. I'm not saying that everyone goes through this, but what I have noticed is that sometimes when you just take back 30 minutes of your day to just be silent or read a magazine or book, or do anything that doesn't include being entertained by someone else, it can be the best part of your day. For me that time will be spent on the elliptical machine at the gym where I can focus for 30 minutes on how tough it is to be on the elliptical for 30 min. :) I will try to keep regular updates about my progress. I can say one thing; God has really helped my arthritis. My hip is much better now and He has given me an opening to where I can take back my body from this disease and make a change for the better that will effect me later on when I am older. By the way, the holidays were great! Josh and I got to spend a lot of time with our families and it was wonderful. There is nothing like going home again after a long time away. So to everyone; thank you and we will miss you! God Bless, HB

Coming Home Soon

This is a picture is from last Christmas when Josh and I were home in Ohio visiting my mom and sister. You can barely see little Gabriel in the background in his highchair.

In only a few more weeks we will be on the road again on our way to celebrate the holidays with both families. It is always such a great time for reflecting on the past year and catching up on old times.

This time is always fantastic and I wish we could do it more often.

Until then I will be praying for all of you and I can't wait to hug you when I see you.

God Bless,

HB